


Letting Go

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, F/M, Gen, Romance, Series: Second Chances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-05-29
Updated: 2000-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-10 15:03:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11129241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: The journey is over and Ben and Phil must face the prospect of never seeing each other again.  A night in each other's arms must sustain them through the long and lonely times ahead.  But is this the end of the story?This story is a sequel toCrossroads.





	Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Letting Go

Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans. The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. belong to Alliance; the McKenzies and friends belong to me. No infringement of any copyrights held by CBS, Alliance, CTV or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit.

Letting Go

By Cassandra Hope

(Copyright February 1998)

__

 

Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul

I'm ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire

The yearning to be near you

I do what I have to do

But I have the sense to recognize

That I don't know how to let you go

I don't know how to let you go

 

 

 

August 28--At last daylight comes, and we have breakfast, without a word being said about the future. The meal is as solemn as a funeral. After breakfast, I ask the three men if they still think it best to leave us...

Two rifles and a shotgun are given to the men who are going out. I ask them to help themselves to the rations, and take what they think to be a fair share. This they refuse to do...

...For the last time, they entreat us not to go on, and tell us that it is madness to set out in this place; that we can never get safely through it; and, further, that the river turns again to the south into the granite, and a few miles of such rapids and falls will exhaust our entire stock of rations, and then it will be too late to climb out. Some tears are shed; it is rather a solemn parting; each party thinks the other is taking the dangerous course.

The 'Maid of the Canyon' pushes out. We are scarcely a minute in running it, and find that, although it looked bad from above, we have passed many places that were worse...

And now we have a succession of rapids and falls until noon, all of which we run in safety. Just after dinner we come to another bad place. A little stream comes in from the left, and below there is a fall, and still below another fall. Above, the river tumbles down, over and among the rocks, in whirlpools and great waves, and the waters are lashed into mad, white foam...

...We run two or three miles farther, and tun again to the northwest, continuing until night, when we have run out of the granite once more.

August 29--We start very early this morning. The river still continues swift, but we have no serious difficulty, and at twelve o'clock emerge from the Grand Canyon of the Colorado.

Tonight we camp on the left bank, in a mesquite thicket.

The relief from danger, and the joy of success, are great...

...Now the danger is over; now the toil has ceased; now the gloom as disappeared; now the firmament is bounded only by the horizon; and what a vast expanse of constellations can be seen!

The river rolls by us in silent majesty; the quiet of the camp is sweet; our joy is almost ecstasy. We sit till long after midnight, talking of the Grand Canyon, talking of home, but chiefly talking of the three men who left us... ***

P

hil  
reverently closed the small book and, glancing down, handed it to Ray,  
seated on the seat beside her. Standing in the stern of the Glen Canyon, she  
cast her eyes around the small group of intrepid explorers that had shared  
the past two weeks of adventure with her.

Clearing her throat, she continued, "And so here we are at what was once Separation Rapids. As you can see," her arm swept out in a large curve, "Lake Mead now covers this final stretch of river--a stretch that led to the only deaths in Powell's small group of explorers. "

"They drowned, didn't they?" Ray muttered half to himself.

Phil nudged him with her knee, then continued, "It is generally believed that the three men from Powell's party were mistaken for some men who had assaulted an Indian woman. They were killed shortly after they climbed out of the Canyon."

Ray perked up. "Killed?" he asked, the interest evident on his face.

Phil chuckled but refused to be baited by him. "Powell's group went on to finally leave the Canyon. Just as we now do. And just as Powell bid a sorrowful goodbye to his three friends, it is now our time to do the same." 

"I have to admit it, Phil, but I am sad to see the end of this trip," Ray spoke softly to the woman standing beside him.

Phil looked down at the face upturned to her then cast her eyes forward to where Ben sat with Blake Johnston. "I know exactly what you mean, Ray. Every time I come on one of these trips I hate this last day." Still staring at Ben in the bow, the words choked in her throat. "I hate saying goodbye." 

Ray said nothing but he knew what she was referring to and it wasn't the whitewater excitement that had marked this trip. **It** was his friend, seated in the bow of this dory.

Speaking to the group at large once more, Phil continued, "Tonight, after we get back to Flagstaff, there will be a small get-together in the Vishnu Room, where this adventure started. It will be a last chance to see each other, swap those final stories, get everyone's address, and say a final goodbye. I hope everyone will come."

"Just try and keep us away." 

"I'll be there." 

"What time?" and other comments flew her way. Over the past two weeks many friendships had formed and some had been renewed. Phil smiled, this had been a great group to travel with, and she really hated saying goodbye. She glanced once more over her shoulder toward the bow and the man sitting there. She hated the thought of saying goodbye to him.

Ben watched Phil as she made the first in a series of goodbyes. He caught the glance she sent his way. Was that sorrow he saw in her eyes? Would she be sad to say goodbye to him? He refused to address the tightness he felt in his own chest at the thought of saying goodbye to her. He knew that after tonight, he might never see her again. If she responded to his ultimatum with a 'nothing' he would never see her crooked smile again, taste her lips, or hold her slender body in his arms. The simple truth was he didn't want to say goodbye to her. These two weeks had passed by in a whirlwind and he had run a gauntlet of emotions until he'd surrendered to what he'd known all along. He still loved her but he could not be just her friend. That would be worse than not having her. But...now that the time for goodbyes had come, could he do it? Could he just walk away from her? Could he let her go hoping that she'd return to him? How could he handle saying goodbye to Phil?

* * *

Phil delayed as long as she could before finding her way to the Vishnu Room. She knew why she longed to stay away. She knew why her heart felt so heavy. Ben. Saying goodbye was always the hardest part of any trip but saying goodbye to him was like cutting a piece of her heart out of her chest while it was still beating. She'd said goodbye to him once before and it had been over 12 years before she'd seen him again. Could she let that happen again? Could she put aside her fears and trust him?

Phil glanced over at Ray and Ben who talked quietly with Jim and Blake. Her eyes lingered on Ben. How could she say goodbye to him again? The last time she'd said that he had never returned. Did she want him to return? Did she want him in her life? What did she want? Unconsciously she reached for the ring under her shirt. Pulling it free, she stroked its golden smoothness.

"Phil, are you all right?" Carol had watched her friend circulate among the various members of the group, chatting with them, reliving a memory or two, and sharing a final joke. Now she stood at the bar and stared across the room at the one man she had not spoken to all evening--Ben Fraser. What had happened?

Phil turned with a start when Carol touched her arm. She blinked her eyes a couple of times before answering. "I don't know, Carol. You know how I hate saying goodbye."

"Yes, I know, but this doesn't have anything to do with saying goodbye to the group, does it? It has to do with saying goodbye to Ben. Phil, if you have feelings for the bastard then you better let him know before he shoots through on you." Carol studied the sudden look of panic in Phil's eyes before adding, "You're not afraid of him, are you?" Phil shook her head. "Then what is it?"

Phil bowed her head and murmured, "I guess I'm afraid of what I might feel for him if I let go of the tight rein I have on my emotions."

Carol stared sympathetically at Phil. The only time in her memory that Phil had lost control of her emotions was on that trip through the Canyon where Phil had tried to set her up with TJ. Poor Phil was no drinker. It had surprised her to see how little it took to get Phil drunk but once she was, all those inhibitions went flying out the door.

"Carol!"

Carol turned to see Josie waving at her from across the room. Sighing, she turned back to Phil. "I need to see what Josie wants. Think about what I've said, Phil. Don't make a fucking mistake that will haunt you for the rest of your life. If you want Ben, and I can tell he wants you, then grab hold of the bastard and don't let go." She patted Phil on the arm then left to join Josie.

Phil turned back to the bar. The lime and club soda just didn't cut it. She ordered an amaretto sour and carefully sipped it. If she made it last the whole evening then it shouldn't affect her judgment. After all it wasn't a frozen strawberry daiquiri or a Kahlua and cream or even a frozen margarita. She just didn't seem to be able to judge how much was too much with those fruity drinks. She turned and leaned back against the bar holding her drink in her hand. Unable to help herself, she stared at the man on the other side of the room.

Why was she doing this to herself? Ever since last night when Ben issued his ultimatum, she had avoided him and he her. All or nothing...could she live with that? Could they go back to the relationship they'd had years ago? She knew the answer to that question already. There was no going back, only going forward. Did that mean that she had to settle for nothing? Could she live with that? Did she want that?

Who was she kidding? She wanted Ben back in her life more than anything she had ever wanted, even more than she wanted Martin. But...what about Lindy? How would the knowledge of his daughter affect Ben? How would it affect their relationship? She grimaced to herself. What relationship? Isn't that what she was trying to decide? What kind of relationship they would have? All or nothing...all or nothing--the litany chased itself around and around in her thoughts. What would it be? All or nothing?

Ben watched Phil from across the room. Ever since he told her that he could not just be a friend with her, she'd avoided him. Maybe he'd pushed her too hard. Maybe she wasn't ready for this. Maybe...but he couldn't wait any longer. He needed an answer so that he could move on with his life.

If she said all, Ben closed his eyes as he imagined life with Phil. He felt his body responding to the images in his mind. _'No, not now.'_ This wasn't the time nor place for this, but his body paid little heed to his wishes. Once more he was grateful for the bagginess of his shorts and the T-shirt that hung loosely over those shorts. He glanced down and was dismayed to see that his T-shirt had evidently shrunk over the course of the trip. It no longer hid the evidence of his arousal. He stuffed his hands in the pockets of his shorts and tried to disguise the bulge at his zipper. He turned away from Phil, hoping that by removing her from his sight his body would cooperate. Taking deep steadying breaths, he counted backwards from 100. By the time he reached 30, the painful hardness had abated slightly and as he approached 10, he knew he'd averted an embarrassing incident.

Ray watched Ben watch Phil. The longing in Ben's eyes was all too evident to him. Why did he give her that damn ultimatum? With both of them living in Chicago, he'd envisioned a dozen different ways to create accidental meetings. Surely after awhile, they would resolve their differences--if it hadn't been for that damned ultimatum. Ray continued to study his friend. He watched him close his eyes and a look of pure bliss crossed his features. Whatever it was that Benny was thinking about was certainly making him happy. Ben's eyes flew open and Ray saw him glance downward. Ray's eyes followed Ben's and he smiled as he watched Ben try to hide what was happening to himself. When Ben turned his back on Phil, Ray knew the source of Ben's discomfort. Excusing himself he headed over to talk to Phil.

Phil watched Ray cross the room and approach her. She smiled at the lanky Italian. Why couldn't she fall in love with him? Her eyes drifted to Ben. He now stood with his back to her. It looked like he was having a conversation with the wall. She smiled and mentally shook her head.

Maybe he was talking to Bob.

"What's up?" Ray asked as he leaned against the bar next to Phil. 

Phil smiled as she turned to him. "Nothing much, Ray. I guess I'm just trying to get up enough courage to say goodbye to you and Ben. I'm really going to miss you."

He dug in the pocket of his slacks and handed her a business card. He tapped it with a forefinger and said, "Well, here's my card. You can always call me at the station. My home number's on the back. You can call me anytime. And before you start to worry, I won't tell Benny anything about where you are. I understand why you don't want him to know just yet. But..." he paused making sure that he had her attention. "I won't withhold that information forever. If his problems start up again...I'll tell him where you are. So please, Phil, don't take too long in making your decision. I won't let Benny be hurt any more." He held up his hands forestalling her objection. "I know about your hurting, too, Phil. The sooner you tell Benny about his daughter the sooner he can deal with it and the two of you can put your differences behind you."

Phil stared into the depths of her drink. She slid a finger up and down the side of the glass wiping away the condensation. Finally, she glanced up at him. "What makes you think we can do that, Ray?"

Ray smiled and shook his head decisively. "Because you both are still in love with each other. You're just too damn stubborn to admit it to each other."

Phil eyes shifted back to the depths of her drink seeking answers that she already knew. Finally she raised her eyes to Ray. She managed a shrug and offhandedly said, "You're right, Ray. I still love Ben. I have loved him for almost 14 years and I would give anything to go back to what we once had. But that's not possible."

"Why don't you tell Benny this?"

"I...I can't tell him just yet, Ray. It's like I said last night, even though I love him I don't know if I can trust him. What if Victoria pops back into his life? What will happen to me if he decides he loves her more? Ray, how can I be sure that he loves me more than he loves her?"

Ray grimaced slightly allowing only the corner of his mouth to draw down. He waved a hand dismissively. "I don't know, Phil. I guess the only one who can answer that question is Benny. Why don't you ask him?"

"Ray, that's not a question I can ask him. How could I be sure his answer was the truth?" Phil glanced over her shoulder at Ben. She drew herself up and spoke calmly with no lightening of her eyes, no crooked smile, "Ray, have you ever wanted something so bad that you were willing to settle for second best if that would get you part of what you wanted?" At least with Martin, she would have a loving relationship--not the completeness of Ben's love, but she **would** have Martin's love.

This definitely was not the direction that Ray wanted this conversation to head. Thinking quickly, he asked, "But why settle for second best when you can have what you really want? He loves you, Phil. All he needs is a second chance with you. Why won't you give him that chance?"

Phil's startled eyes flew to Ray. Why was he talking about second chances, too? Caroline, Bob, Carol, Ben, and now Ray, all had talked about second chances. Her gaze shifted to Ben. Maybe that's all they needed--a second chance to find the love they'd once shared. But how?

"How?" All kinds of ideas were sorted through and rejected in the split second it took for her to realize that Ray was speaking to her. "What? I'm sorry, Ray, I was miles away."

Ray grinned. He knew the perfect solution. But was Phil up to it? "I asked you if you had your room key with you."

Confused, Phil nodded her head. "Why would you want to know that?"

Ray delved into the pocket of his slacks and extracted his own room key. He held it up for Phil to see then laid it on the bar. "This is my key."

Phil sat her drink down on the bar beside Ray's key--the key to Ray's room--the key to Ray's and Ben's room. She stared at the key before lifting her eyes to search Ray's face. "What are you suggesting, Ray?"

"I'm not suggesting anything, Phil." Not much, he wasn't. He leaned against the bar and stared across the room at Ben. If he had any doubts about what he was leading up to, the look Ben gave him wiped them all way. "I just thought you and Benny might like some privacy to say your goodbyes." 

Phil looked at the key lying on the bar and slowly withdrew hers from her pocket. She held it for a moment before laying it beside Ray's. "I don't know if I can do this, Ray," she said in a broken whisper.

"Do you love him?"

"Yes," she whispered.

"Then do it. Do it for yourself. Forget about his ultimatum, forget about what happened in the past, forget about what will happen tomorrow. Make tonight last forever...for both of you. And maybe...just maybe you can both find the love you once shared." Ray was surprised by how deeply he felt about this. He knew, though, that if he delved deeply into what he was feeling for Ben and Phil he would discover that Casey Sinclair was there. He needed to listen to his own advice and seek out the woman he loved.

Phil stared at the keys lying on the bar. One would open a door to loneliness and regret. The other would open a door to love and a shared passion. She glanced over her shoulder at Ben. He stared back at her. The hunger in his eyes fueled the fires building in her.

Ben stared at Ray and Phil sharing a drink at the bar. Why couldn't he walk the short distance separating them and join them at the bar? Why couldn't he spend some precious moments with Phil before she left him? Why? He knew why. If he crossed that room he would either sweep Phil into his arms and carry her from this room or wipe that know-it-all smirk from Ray's face by punching him. Denying one and dreading the other, Ben remained rooted to the spot. Finally, as Phil stared across the room at him he realized he couldn't stay any longer. He spun on his heels and quickly left the room.

Phil watched Ben's departing back. She longed to run after him and pull him into her arms. Instead, she stared down at the keys on the bar. Loneliness or passion? A night of crying or a night of loving? Was there really any choice to make? Phil slowly reached for the keys and picked one of them up. A movement beside her brought her eyes to the face of the man smiling at her.

Ray raised his glass of wine in a toast. "To love."

Phil raised hers. "To second chances."

* * *

Ben breathed in the cool air of the desert night. The room he'd just left was stifling in its intensity or maybe the emotions brewing inside him were stifling. Whatever the cause, he had to get away from the goodbye party. He couldn't bear to watch Phil any longer. He could barely

control his desires for her. His body ached with his need. He bit his lower lip. He was just tired. What he needed was a nice hot, relaxing shower, then early to bed. With a resigned sigh, he headed back to the room he shared with Ray. 

He slowly stripped the clothes from his body. Carefully folding the shorts and the T-shirt, he laid them on the bed. Hurrying to the bathroom, he turned on the water in the shower. Letting the water run down his body, he thought back to a time when he had shared a shower with Phil. Just the thought of her sent an ache surging through his body that throbbed in his groin. What he wouldn't give to have her back in his life--to wake up in the morning and find her slender form curled against him. He longed to take her in his arms and claim her love once more. Maybe someday he would be allowed to do that. But that was someday, not now--and now was when he desperately wanted her. Closing his eyes, he recalled those memories that had sustained him through the years. 

Phil stood in front of the door. The number 309 mocked her. She was here. Would she have the courage to knock on that door--answer the desires that had built for over two weeks? Could she do it? Could she do it with no regrets? She raised her hand to knock then dropped it. If she knocked on that door there would be no going back--no return to what had been before. Did she want that?

She drew in a deep steadying breath then laughed nervously. Of course she could do this. She had set herself a task and she would complete it. She'd even had the foresight to visit the Wal-Mart down the street for the necessary package. She was taking no chances this time. Her hand rose once more and this time it connected with the wood of the door. She waited patiently for an answer. Puzzled when no response came, she stepped back and glanced up and down the hallway then checked the room key. This was the right room. He had to be here. He just had to. If he wasn't, she knew her resolve would die and she would crawl away to lick her wounds just as she'd done for the past 12 years.

Phil knocked once more and waited to hear Ben's lucid voice biding her to enter. A moment passed and there was still no answer. Shakily, she inserted the key in the lock and turned it. Pushing the door wide enough for her to slip through, she called softly into the dimly lit interior, "Ben? Are you here? Ben?"

There was still no answer. Phil hesitated not knowing what to do. Should she leave and come back later? She chuckled darkly. If she left now she knew she would not return. Should she stay and hope Ben would return to his room soon? If she did that she knew she'd be a nervous wreck by the time he returned. What was she to do? The cool air from the door reminded her that it stood open to any and all observers. Glancing about the room she noted the backpack sitting on the chair beside one of the beds. The sounds of running water drifted across the room from the direction of the small bathroom. In the mirror of the vanity she saw the indistinct form of someone in the shower. A glance back at the bed confirmed Phil's thoughts. A pair of shorts and a faded blue T-shirt lay folded on the bed. She closed the door behind her automatically locking it. 

Quickly, before her resolve died, she placed her bags on the floor beside the dresser. She then stripped and tossed her clothes on the bed beside Ben's. The box of condoms went on the bedside table. Catching her reflection in the mirror, she stared at herself. Her eyes were no more than dark pools of trepidation in a face devoid of all color. What was she doing here? The sounds of the shower drew her attention and with a deep shuddering sigh, she tiptoed to the door of the bath and across the brown and tan tiled floor to the door of the shower. Ben stood with his back to her letting the water sluice down his back. Blood pounded in her brain, leaped from her heart, and made her knees tremble. He was even more stunningly virile than she remembered. Flush with desire, Phil quietly opened the door and slid into the stall with Ben.

The sudden chill of air across his bare wet flesh snapped Ben out of the fantasy he had indulged in as the hot water of the shower washed over him. Twisting around, he was captured by a slender form that plastered itself to him. Two hands roughly pulled his face down for a kiss. Damn, he'd hoped Mara had given up on him but it looked like he was wrong. Drawing back from the distinctly female form, he wiped the water from his eyes finally ready to give Mara a piece of his mind. The angry words died in his throat as the face that smiled up at him resolved into Phil's not Mara's. "Phil? Wha...?"

Phil stared up into Ben's glacier blue eyes reading the confusion buried there. She smiled sensuously up at him and let her hand drift downward between them. A startled intake of breath let her know when she found the object of her search. She closed her eyes and leaned against his wet chest listening to the beat of his heart increase as she caressed him into hungry hardness.

Ben's breathing grew ragged as Phil's small hand stroked his flesh. Closing his eyes, he leaned against the wall of the shower bracing his feet on the rough textured floor. His arms hugged Phil's slight form tightly. If this were a dream, he wouldn't let it escape him this time. His mouth swooped down to capture hers, kissing her with an intensity that frightened him. 

Phil raised her head, running her tongue over bruised lips, and watched the water cascade over their forms. She marveled at how it traced the tiny contours of Ben's face before dropping onto his chest to run down between their bodies. She watched his eyes open and stare sightlessly over her head. His breathing escalated and he threw his head back, the muscles cording in his neck. She continued to stroke him, driving him higher and higher. 

The involuntary tremors of arousal began. "Phil!" he groaned then all coherent thought escaped him as his body responded to Phil's incessant hands. His body jerked with the release, his legs suddenly boneless.

Ben let the exquisite pleasure course through him. This was the realest dream he had yet experienced. It was so real he could actually feel Phil molded to him, half-supporting his weight. He could feel her arms around him and her small firm breasts pressed to his chest. His eyes fluttered open and his gaze drifted slowly across the creamy expanse of Phil's breasts past the golden ring on its golden chain to the column of her neck, past her crooked smile, and, finally, to connect with the softest brown eyes he had ever known. He gently pushed her away from him, then hesitantly reached a hand to her face. He withdrew it before touching her. He knew that if he touched her she would disappear like a wisp of smoke. Fearful of that very thing happening, he roughly grasped her arms and pulled her into an embrace. "Phil? Is...are you..."

Touched by the confusion in his eyes, Phil withdrew from his embrace and grasped Ben's hand, placing it on her cheek. Turning her face into his palm, she placed a kiss there and smiled. For some reason, the knowledge that she could reduce this stalwart Mountie to a puddle of jelly, pleased her. The smile carried into her voice. "I'm here, Ben, and, no, this is no dream." She slid back into his arms, flattening her breasts against the solidity of his chest. She smiled into his eyes. "Now put your arms around me and kiss me."

His mood suddenly buoyant, Ben smiled rakishly down at her. "Anything for you, Phil. Anything." His mouth hungrily covered hers.

Phil cocked an eyebrow and whispered against his lips, "Anything?" before giving into the pleasures of kissing her Mountie. Her Mountie? Was he really hers? Phil pushed that question and many similar ones to the back of her mind. This wasn't the time or place to ask those. Now--now was the time to feed a hunger that had resided in her soul for over 12 years--a hunger that no other man could ever meet.

Ben watched the expressions flit across Phil's face. With her hair plastered to her head, water trickling across her face, she stirred a desire within him. A desire he had suppressed for over 12 years. No one, not even Victoria, had affected him the way Phil did. His desire flared to new heights. The strength of that desire coursed through his veins like an awakened river. 

"I don't know about you, Ben, but the shower is not where I want to be right now. Do you?" She cleared her throat, pretending not to be affected.

No, where he wanted to be sent shudders through his limbs. He closed his eyes against the images of plunging deep into Phil's warmth. Desire continued to drive him. He cupped her face in his hands. "Phil, are you really here?"

"Yes, Ben. I'm here." She reached behind him and turned off the water.

"Phil?"

"Yes, Ben?" She stared into his glacier blue eyes.

"What are you doing in my shower?"

Phil's crooked grin blossomed as she pulled his head down for a kiss. "I'm seducing you, Ben. What does it look like I'm doing?" Grasping his hand, she pulled him out of the shower stall and tossed a towel to him.

"But, I thought...you said..." Ben held the towel loosely in his hands.

Wrapping her towel around her head, she took the towel from his hands. She rose on her toes and kissed the tip of his nose. "What I said still holds, Ben. We still have a lot of things that need to be discussed but that can wait." She trailed a line of kisses across his mouth, down the tower of his neck, briefly bathing his pulse point with her tongue, finally circling a pebble hard nipple. Dark passion burned in her eyes as she snuggled into the curve of his arm. "Tonight...tonight there is only you and me. Just for tonight, let's forget about everything else. Nothing exists beyond that door. There's just you and me."

"You and me?" Ben unwrapped the towel and kissed the top of her head. "What about Ray?"

"Ray who?" Phil smiled up into the face that had haunted her dreams for so many years.

"What about Martin?" How he hated bringing that name up.

"Martin who?" Phil felt an uneasiness she had not known she had relax. No, Martin had no place here--now or ever. She could never love him the way he deserved to be loved. She could never love any man that way except the one here in her arms. 

Ben's wary look slowly faded to be replaced by one of hope and delight. The smile that curved the corners of his mouth glowed in his eyes as well. Reclaiming her lips, he crushed her to him. "You and me?" he whispered against her lips. Phil nodded her head. "No Ray?" Phil shook her head. Ben's arms tightened around her damp body. Nuzzling her neck, he whispered, "No Ray..."

"No Ray. He thought we...we might...we might need some...some privacy." Her thoughts fragmented as his hands and lips continued their hungry search of her body.

Ben lifted his face and stared down into Phil's, gratified by the flush of desire on her face. He quirked an eyebrow. "Privacy?"

"To say goodbye." A quiver surged through her veins.

"Remind me to thank him," Ben whispered as he returned to his assigned task.

"I...I'll..." she moaned aloud with sensual pleasure.

Ben slid his arms beneath Phil's body and lifted her into his arms. Carrying her to the bed, he gently eased her down onto its expanse then slid onto the bed beside her. He reached for her, dragging fingers across a breast, teasing the nipple to hardness.

Rising to an elbow, Phil reached for the small box on the bedside table then smiled down at the glazed look on Ben's face. Extracting a condom, she leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on his lips then whispered into his mouth, "Make love to me, Ben."

"Phil," Ben groaned, his heart beating raggedly, "you have no idea how long I've wanted to do that." He pulled her roughly, almost violently, to him. Slowly his hands moved downward, skimming either side of her body to her thighs. He explored her thighs then moved up to her taut stomach. A golden wave of passion and love flowed between them. Soon he positioned himself above her then entered her welcoming warmth. Moving together they settled into that time honored rhythm of lovers immemorial.

Phil felt Ben's explosion deep inside her. She held him as his shudders slowed than stopped. She kissed his clenched lips before kissing his nose then his closed eyes. A deep feeling of peace entered her being. This was where she belonged. Did she dare to reach out and reclaim it?

Disposing of the condom, Ben rolled to lie beside Phil, his arms and legs folding protectively around her. "Phil? What are you doing here? Why?" He sighed in pleasant exhaustion. "Oh, Phil, you feel so good." He buried is face in her wet hair, searching for a memory. "Phil, I love you."

Phil heard his whisper, his breath warm against her ear. He said he loved her. He had said that before. Maybe he did and maybe he didn't. Tomorrow she could worry about that but not tonight. Tonight was for building memories, memories that would carry her through the rest of her life. "Ben, let's not talk about that or any of the other things that lie between us. Tonight is just for us--no one else, just you and me. No Victoria, no Martin, no Ray, not even Cat. Make love to me, Ben, like you did so many years ago when we thought nothing could come between us. I need you tonight, Ben, I need..." But the words wouldn't come, only the tears of the emptiness of her life for the past 12 years. Silently she cried for her lost love.

Ben held her close as she whispered of tonight. He felt the trembling start and the wetness on his chest from her tears. "Phil, tonight and every night there will only ever be you and me. There **is** no one else. Now let me kiss away those tears." Leaning on one arm he gently wiped the tears that still flowed from her deep brown pools. "What is it love? What makes you so sad?"

"I guess...knowing that this night will end. I..."

Ben silenced her with a gentle kiss. His lips trailed down her throat to the chain around her neck. He lifted it and held it up to where Phil could see it. "Whose ring is this, Phil?"

Phil smiled sadly. "It's mine, Ben. You gave it to me over 12 years ago and I haven't taken it off in all that time."

"Why?"

"I made you a promise and..." her soft voice ebbed, "I keep my promises."

Ben let his chin drop. His unfaithfulness would continue to haunt him even now when he held Phil in his arms. In a voice thickened by emotion, he choked out, "Unlike me."

Phil stroked Ben's forehead, smoothing the hair out of his eyes. "Oh, Ben. I forgave you for that a long time ago."

Eyes that seemed ancient beyond their years stared back at her. "But I haven't forgiven myself, Phil. I gave up the most precious thing in my life and I can't forgive myself for all the pain I caused you."

Immeasurable depths of sorrow gazed at her through Ben's eyes. Instinctively, Phil reacted to the pain in his eyes by burying her face in his neck and placing gentle kisses there. He had no idea of the extent of the pain **he** had caused--pain he would experience one day but not today. "Ben, no recriminations, no guilt, no excuses. Tonight is just you and me." Gently running her hand down his cheek, she whispered, "I've wanted you since I saw you on the bank of the Colorado there at Lee's Ferry."

Ben was conscious of where her warm flesh touched his. His hands explored the soft lines of her back, her waist, her hips. The cool brush of his fingers on her skin sent shivers up and down her spine. She arched her back, exposing the length of her neck. Kissing that slender column, he murmured his agreement. "I tried to deny how much I wanted you, Phil. Do you remember that night above Granite Rapids? I sang you a love song. I wanted you so bad I thought I was going to be ill."

"And I ached with the need to touch you and feel you touch me. I thought I was going crazy." She chuckled and, pulling away from his embrace, rose to a sitting position. She sighed and tipped her face to him. "We're a pair, aren't we, T?" 

Ben watched fascinated as Phil's breast shook with her laughter. Drawn by the sight he let his mouth seek out the erect nipple. Phil closed her eyes and let her body feel Ben's mouth upon her. "Tonight I'm yours, Ben. Tonight is just us."

Ben smiled up at Phil. She was his for tonight. So be it--he reached for another condom. He would make it a night she would never forget. He would bind her to him with those bonds his father had spoken of. If she wouldn't let him tell her he loved her then he would show her. He reached for her, pulling her down beside him, her soft curves molding to the contours of his lean body. His hand lightly brushed her hardened nipples. His lips seared a path down her neck, her shoulders. Replacing his fingers with his lips caressing the nipple with his tongue. She trembled beneath him as his kisses trailed across the flat plane of her stomach to her hip. His tongue lightly traced the tiny hummingbird tattooed there. How could he ever forget that sensitive spot or this one or how his tongue could drive her incoherent with just the tiniest flick? Drawing her to the lip of the precipice, he positioned himself above her and entered her welcoming warmth once more. Together they found the tempo that bound their bodies together.

Phil wrapped her legs around Ben's hips and moved with him, rising to meet him in a moment of uncontrolled passion. She yielded to the searing need that had built within her over the time spent together as they traversed the Canyon. She felt the heat of his body course down the entire length of hers. Her body began to vibrate with liquid fire and, instinctively, her body arched toward him. She felt the shimmer of release rising in her like the hottest fire, clouding her brain. Abandoning herself to the whirl of sensations, she soared to an awesome, shuddering ecstasy. 

Ben moved in exquisite harmony with Phil. He was one step behind her as the flames of passion burned within in them. The turbulence of her passion swirled around him drawing him into the core of the whirlpool. In a blinding flash of clarity, he knew that he'd left the outskirts of his life and found the center of his existence. His heart bursting with his newfound hope, he exploded in a downpour of fiery sensations. His breath came in long, surrendering moans as he collapsed beside her and pulled her to him, again enveloping her with his legs.

Every part of her body tingled, especially the parts that touched Ben. She inhaled the masculine scent of his body refreshing her memories of him. "I missed this, Ben--making love to you then lying exhausted in your arms. I missed you."

"I missed you, too, Phil." Ben gently stroked circles on her back feeling the satin smoothness of her skin, the firmness of her buttocks. As smooth as Victoria's skin had been it had never been this satiny, this smooth. There had always been an edginess to sex with Victoria, as if their coupling was a spur-of-the moment idea and to be hurriedly completed. And Cat...Cat had always been fast and furious, taking him to the edge and wringing every last ounce of strength from him. Cat reminded him more of a feline with a captive mouse--watching and waiting before pouncing--but **oh** the pouncing. Phil was like the deep, swift waters of the Colorado--ever changing its moods from the ferocity of a rapid to the smooth mellowness of a deep stretch. He felt like he could languish in her arms for an eternity and still not have enough time to explore her every facet. He ran his eye over their entwined bodies, naked and still moist from their lovemaking.

Her head fit perfectly in the hollow between his shoulder and neck. Sighing contentedly, she whispered, "No one ever made me feel the way you do, Ben. I guess that's why I kept looking. I guess I was hoping that someday someone would come along and make me feel like you did."

He gently caressed her cheek. "And did you?" he asked, half dreading the answer. He already knew that she and Lloyd had been lovers, why did he want to know about the other men in her life? All that really mattered was the fact that she was here with him.

Phil tilted her head up and regarded Ben. "Are you asking me if I've fucked other men?" 

Glad that the semidarkness hid the flush that stole across his skin, Ben cleared his throat and answered, "I don't believe I would have put it that way, but yes, I guess I am asking that."

Phil gazed steadily at the Mountie. Should she tell him or leave him guessing? But really, what was there to tell? True, there were times when she'd been tempted to share a night of passion with her current boyfriend--to give into the desires of the flesh. But she knew that if that happened, she'd realize that he wasn't the right man for her--funny how those relationships fell apart soon after that. Unbidden, Lloyd's face crystallized in her thoughts. It had been Lloyd that had stopped her from going all the way with him saying she should save herself for the one who held her heart--for her soul mate. She had told him that would never happen. Yet here she was once more in Ben's arms. There was no denying the fact that this was where she wanted to be, but did he need to know that? No, not until they could talk freely of everything that existed between them. And that couldn't happen until Ben knew of Lindy.

Lowering her eyes, she watched the movement of her fingers as they lightly brushed across Ben's sweaty chest. "That's really none of your business, Ben. You gave up the right to question me about who I saw and what I did years ago. Besides, I said tonight was for us and not for the others in our lives."

Funny how Phil's husky tones could hurt him like they did. Funny how the truth was 'sharper than a serpent's tooth' or was that something else? Who cared? An in depth analysis of a literary reference was not what he wanted here. What was it he wanted? Finally, he reached out a hand and entwined it with the hand stroking his chest. "I didn't mean to pry, Phil. I guess, I just wanted to know that you had found some happiness after I left you."

Touched by Ben's concern, Phil smiled and, tangling her fingers in his hair pulled his face to hers for a kiss. "Yes, Ben. I've had other men in my life. I didn't crawl back into that shell you found me in. I dated several men, some more serious than others." Her voice changed and became softer. "I guess the most important man in my life next to my brothers is Lloyd. He filled a part of my heart that you left when..." her voice died. Now wasn't the time to bring up **that** subject.

Ben's hand stilled. "He's a great man and I can understand how you could love him." A kernel of jealousy burned as he thought about Phil and Lloyd giving and sharing passions such as he'd just experienced. With a guilty start, he wondered if Lloyd was jealous of what he had had with Cat. 

"Yeah, I do love him and I would have married him if he'd asked but he didn't--said we weren't meant to be together in that way. I...I didn't speak to him for several months after he told me that. I just didn't want to believe that the love we felt wasn't enough." Phil raised up on an elbow and gazed down at Ben's face. "Do you know what it's like to hunger for something, to want it so bad that you are willing to do anything to get it?" She shrugged helplessly then snuggled back down in the crook of his arm. "Lloyd was the sensible one. He never pressured me to do anything I didn't want or to accept something that wasn't right for me. He was always there to hold me and comfort me. It's like I've known him forever. I don't know, Ben, it's hard to explain about Lloyd and me."

"Makes perfect sense to me. That's the way I feel about Cat." He lay silent for a moment thinking over what Phil had told him. Amazed at the way Phil's relationship paralleled his with Cat, he chuckled. "I asked Cat to marry me."

"I know."

"No you don't, Phil. I asked her to marry me this past Christmas. I'd convinced myself that we were meant for each other--I had no one and Cat had never seen the need to settle down with one of her many lovers." He sighed then continued, "Unfortunately, she'd just met Lloyd. She turned me down and, like you, I barely spoke to her until about a month ago."

"What happened to change that?" Phil asked curious to know all she could about him.

"I was involved in an accident and spent a week with Cat recuperating. No, I'm all right, Phil," Ben quickly added as Phil shot to her knees and leaned over him, her eyes wide with concern. He sat up and took her in his arms, gently rocking back and forth. "That's when I met your Lloyd." 

Phil shrugged from his embrace. "He was never **my** Lloyd. He's one of those spirits that can never be owned by someone. He and Cat are so right for each other it makes me want to believe in that soul mate crap they both spoke of." She smiled sadly then continued, "Knowing the two of them as well as I do, I can honestly say there will never be a dull moment in their lives. I'm happy for them." Then why was she suddenly hit by a wave of sadness?

Ben stared into the darkness of the room. How and when had Phil met Cat's soul mate? Had they been lovers? Maybe someday he could ask her that question. He knew he would get no answer if he asked it of Phil now. Instead, he gently smoothed the hair out of her face. He had not missed the sadness that settled in her eyes. There would be no sadness there if he'd married her all those years ago instead of pursuing the illusion that was Victoria. He pulled her into his arms and gently kissed her face beginning with her eyes and working his way downward. By the time he'd reached her breasts, Phil was moaning with pleasure.

"Ben?" Phil clutched his thick hair in her hands. His kisses were driving all coherent thought from her mind. He had not forgotten how to drive her wild with desire.

Ben kissed his way back up to her face then leaned on his elbow and gazed down at her. What he read in her eyes sent waves of heat through him. How could he ever let her go? How could he live without her in his life? He knew he could, but it would be a barren and lonely existence. Could she live without him in her life? He had read between the lines as Phil had told him of her 'men'. There had been no one since him. Saddened, he realized that she'd lived the last 12 years searching for someone to replace him but had failed. Maybe there was still hope for them but to be on the safe side, he'd deepen that bond of desire that still raged between them. He'd give her a night that she'd never forget. He would bind her to him with bonds of love that would draw her back to him no matter how far she roamed. She would...she must come back to him.

A cold breath of fear briefly crossed his thoughts. What if, after this night was over and all that he'd said and done, Phil still said there could be nothing between them? How could he live with that? He lowered his head and kissed Phil's velvety soft lips sliding his tongue between those portals to dance with hers.

"Ben, please..." Phil breathed across his lips. How could she ever live without the fire of this man in her life? How could she go back to her humdrum existence knowing that he was only three blocks away from her? How could she leave him? Could she believe what he said? Did he really love her? Would he leave her? Shaking with fervency brought on by fear, Phil returned Ben's kisses and begged for more.

Ben ached with need and desire as he rolled on the third condom. The flames of passion burned at his mind even as he once again fitted his body to hers. Even if she left him he would have these memories to hold onto. But that was in the future and he would spend tonight making sure that never happened. No, after tonight, Phil would never leave him.

He slipped his hands beneath her body. Pressing himself against her, he slowly penetrated the depths of the woman he loved. "Phil..." She felt so good. As he roused her passion, his own grew stronger. He felt himself losing control and he drove himself in and out of her warmth in a raw act of possession.

Phil was dismayed by the magnitude of her own desire as she welcomed him into her body. Surrendering completely to his masterful seduction, waves of ecstasy surged through her. She felt the fullness of his body within her and felt the tiny pulsations rocketing through him and knew that he was close. Why then didn't he finish what he'd started? Why did he try to hold back what was inevitable? Wasn't it just like him to try and control everything, even this? Now that was something that she wasn't about let happen. She smiled and ran a finger down the bridge of Ben's nose.

Ben's eyes snapped open. He stared down into the dark depths of Phil's. He saw the tiny smile that curved her lips and groaned. How could he possibly control himself when she looked at him the way she was?

"Ben? What's the matter? Do you need a little help?" Phil grinned up at the face that loomed over her.

Staring at Phil's devil grin, Ben realized the futility of trying to slow down his release. The imp beneath him wouldn't let him. Grinning to match hers he chuckled. "No, Phil. I think I can handle this." But he wasn't quite ready for that. He slowed down his rhythm and, bringing his hand between their bodies, stroked her to heights of rapture. Establishing a rhythm he climbed to new heights and when she climaxed, convulsively gripping his shaft, his mind exploded.

Her body melted against his and the world was filled with him. Phil clung to Ben, watching his face, as he approached his climax. She felt the tensing of his body and the tremors that swept through his groin and emptied into her willing body. She clung to him, holding him even as he collapsed onto her. The weight of his body on hers felt right.

Ben dazedly tried to roll off of Phil. He didn't want to crush her with his weight. Resisting at first, the arms that held him finally let him slide to her side. Panting, he let the final tremors course through his body. Never had he experienced such a mind-blowing release as just now. He reached for the slight form beside him and wrapped his arms and legs around her.

Held in Ben's protective embrace, Phil listened to the wildly beating heart beneath her cheek. She knew her own heart shared the same beat. All the regrets, all the pain, all the loneliness she knew she would have after this night were worth it. Just to share one night of bliss with this man, to share such intimate love with him made the cost acceptable. She could deal with anything after this night with Ben.

The soft light from the bathroom played across Ben's serene features. He lightly ran his fingers through Phil's short hair remembering the feel of her longer locks of years past. "Why'd you cut your hair, Phil?"

The question came as something of a surprise to her. Why had she cut her hair? She recalled the circumstances of that time so long ago when she nearly went crazy with grief. She closed her eyes and fought the tears. Even now the pain of Lindy's loss cut across her heartstrings. Her thoughts fled back to Christmas 1986. Christmas--her first Christmas as a mother--only Lindy was gone and there would be no joyful unwrapping of gifts, no laughter, no hugs and kisses from her beautiful daughter--only loneliness and sorrow existed for her. Lindy was gone and Ben was gone. He wasn't there to share their loss, to hold her and comfort her as she cried for their daughter. No, Ben had left her for another woman. He didn't deserve to know the precious child that he had fathered. He didn't deserve the love she still felt for him. He didn't deserve her. The scissors had seemed to appear in her hand and before she knew what had happened, locks of dark brown hair carpeted the floor of her bathroom. She slid to the floor of the bathroom and drew her knees up, rocking herself as she wept for her daughter. The scissors, forgotten, clattered to the floor.

It was TJ who finally found her. Concerned when she didn't return to join him and Rob as they decorated the Christmas tree, he went in search of her. He and Rob had decided to spend Christmas with Phil in Colorado. They knew this holiday season would be especially hard on her. TJ carefully lifted Phil in his arms and carried her up the stairs to the great room. Rob quickly joined him and, together, they surrounded Phil with their love and comfort--something they had promised their gangly teenaged sister all those years ago. Little did they know then how **much** she would need that love and strength.

Why had she cut her hair? Phil edged up until she was leaning on one elbow. Casually brushing a sweat-drenched lock of dark hair from Ben's forehead, she leaned down and placed a kiss on his lips. She then scooted up until she was sitting beside Ben on the bed. She drew her knees up and crossed her arms on them.

Ben rolled, propping his head up with his hand. Staring at Phil's silhouette, he studied each and every feature imprinting it on his mind. His eyes raked over her bowed head to her shoulders to the breasts visible beneath her crossed arms finally coming to rest on the sheet draped over her legs, the tiny hummingbird visible on her hip. "What is it, Phil? You seemed to be a thousand miles away. All I asked was why you cut your hair?"

Phil shook herself free of the clinging memories. "I'm sorry, Ben. I...I was just remembering back to the time when I cut it." She glanced sideways at Ben and sighed. "I did it after I realized you were never coming back to me. I did it in a fit of anger. I guess it was sort of an act of defiance, retribution..." She raked a hand through her hair. "I really don't know why I did it except that I'd let my hair grow for you and you were no longer there so...I cut it." 

Ben watched Phil's hand run through her hair, the way her small firm breast lifted with the movement. Desire flared and he felt the stirrings of his body as he watched her supple movements. But that would have to wait. Now that she was here with him, opening up to him, there were questions he wanted to ask. "I won't say I'm sorry for leaving you, Phil. Sorrow doesn't even begin to express the regret that I feel. I wish..."

Phil's hand on his lips silenced his wishing. "Let's not go into that tonight, Ben. Tonight we're just two people who've found each other and nothing exists beyond that door." Phil motioned to the door of the motel room. "Out there you're Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP, and I'm Dr. Philippe McKenzie. Let's leave them out there. In here, you're simply Ben and I'm simply Phil."

"You're never simply Phil," Ben spoke around the barrier of her fingers.

Phil smiled. "You interrupted my impassioned soliloquy, Ben."

"I'm sorry." To prove his point he pulled Phil down beside him and brushed her lips with his. "Do you forgive me?" he whispered against her lips.

Staring into the amused depths of Ben's glacier blue eyes, Phil responded in the only way she felt capable. Running her hand up his back, she threaded her fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck and drew his head closer for her kiss. She closed her eyes and felt the softness of his lips as they moved against hers. She moaned as the electricity of that kiss arced between them. Bereft, her eyes flew open as the softness of his lips withdrew from hers. Gentle blue eyes smiled at her.

"I take it that's a yes?" His eyes blazed down into hers.

Phil nodded then laid her head against his chest. All the many sins and slights she'd attributed to this man slipped away. Even the pain and despair of his abandonment and the loss of Lindy slipped away. Tears overflowed her eyes as a weight she'd carried for years lifted. Raising her tear streaked face to Ben, she whispered, "I forgive you, Ben."

Seeing the wetness of her face, Ben caught his breath. Could she possibly mean what he thought she meant? He stared into the depths of her coffee brown eyes reading the truth there. It was his turn to bury his face in Phil's softness. He inhaled the scent of her hair missing the lavender he expected. "Phil? Does this...I mean...what do you..." How could he formulate the question that seared his thoughts?

Phil answered it for him. "Ben..." she pulled away from him, "Ben, I forgive you for leaving me for..." She swallowed before continuing, "...for Victoria. I forgive you for not being there when I needed you. I forgive you, Ben."

A ray of hope gleamed in Ben's soul. Its radiance glowed in his eyes. "Phil, I lov..."

"No, Ben." She stopped his declaration. "We still have to talk about things before we can decided where we want to go with this relationship. I don't know where that will take us but...until then...we have this night." She quickly buried any hesitations she felt by descending on his lips with a hunger that surprised even her. With a sinking feeling she realized that she'd managed to destroy her semblance of peace. She would never have peace in her life until she claimed the only love that mattered--the only love that had withstood the passage of time. Ben was the only man who could make her feel complete. After all these years, she still loved him. _'Oh, Martin, I'm so sorry,'_ she thought.

* * *

In the early hours of the morning just before dawn, Phil lay wrapped in Ben's protective embrace knowing that their night was over. She listened to his even breathing, dreading what she knew she must do. Slowly she extracted herself from his arms and legs. He shifted and she held still, praying he wouldn't awaken. She watched as he splayed a hand against his chest and quieted. She stared at the graceful length of each finger feeling each one stroking her skin, carrying her to dizzying heights of pleasure. She closed her eyes fighting the tears that threatened to fall. Carefully, she slid out of the bed and dressed. Taking one last look at Ben, she turned to leave.

One hand on the doorknob she turned and retraced her steps to the bed. Unfastening the chain with the ring from around her neck, she placed it in that hand on his chest. She quietly wrote a short note and propped it against the mirror before letting herself out. Closing the door, she leaned against it and fought the desire to return to the safety of that bed and the man in it. _'No, not now. Maybe not ever. Dammit, Ben. I do love you. But I can't trust you. I can't love you if I can't trust you. Maybe we can work through that...maybe we can't. I don't know, Ben. I wish I did.'_ She glanced at the door of Room 309 before fleeing from all that existed behind it.

Phil found herself outside Room 227--Travis and Carol's room. She knocked then waited. Why was she disturbing her friends' sleep? She had done this with her eyes wide open. She could handle it by herself. Thankful that the knocking hadn't awakened either Travis or Carol, she turned to leave.

"Spuds? What's happened?" Travis ran a hand through his hair before pulling Phil into the room. "Carol, it's Spuds."

"Phil?" Carol rose from the side of the bed and took Phil's hands in hers. "Phil? What is it?"

Phil swallowed, and through the tears flowing down her cheeks, choked out, "I...I've done something foolish."

"What have you done, Phil?" Carol pushed Phil down into a chair and offered her a drink from the cup of water Travis gave her. "Here drink this and tell us what's happened."

Phil drank the water gratefully. She wiped her face, struggling to bring her emotions under control. When she felt able to talk, she whispered, "I need to get out of here. Can I drive one of the trucks to Lee's Ferry? I'll leave it at the airport."

"Phil, tell us what the problem is first." Travis rarely called her Phil. He stared over Phil's bowed head to Carol. Carol nodded back at him.

"Phil?" Carol gently turned Phil's face to hers. "Does this have anything to do with Ben?" Phil's guilty start was all the answer she needed. "Where have you been?"

Unshed tears glistened in Phil's eyes. "With Ben," she whispered.

"Did he hurt you?" Travis demanded.

Phil shook her head. "No, I did this to myself."

"Oh, Phil, I'm so sorry. You just sit here for a moment." Carol rose to her feet and motioned for Travis to accompany her. A brief conversation later, they turned to Phil.

Carol spoke, "You're in no shape to drive. Travis will take you to Lee's Ferry and your plane. It's the least we can do."

"Thank you," and the tears flowed again.

* * *

Travis glanced sideways at his friend. Something had happened and he was worried about Phil. "Spuds, what happened?" If Ben had hurt her, he'd personally beat the crap out of him.

Phil sighed deeply, touched by Travis' concern. "I'm all right, Travis, really. I'm not finished with Ben Fraser. There's still some things that we have to face before we can straightened our lives out." She smiled tiredly. "I'll let you and Carol know how things go."

"You do that, Spuds, and if you ever need Terry and me for..."

"Thank you, Travis," Phil interrupted, "but I don't need you to beat some sense into Ben. This isn't about him. It's about me and something I have to work through. But if I do need you, I'll be sure to have TJ and Rob contact you so the four of you can form your own little posse." She smiled to lighten the situation.

Before leaving the motel in Flagstaff Phil called the local weather service and received an updated weather report. Initially, she planned on flying straight back to Chicago but the more she thought about it the more she knew that she needed something else. She needed to go someplace where she could sort through her troubled thoughts. On the drive north to Lee's Ferry she put together her flight plan to Pincher Creek, Alberta--to Lloyd. She smiled to herself, thinking of the days ahead. If she thought of the days behind her she knew she would start crying again. How could Ben reenter her life like this? What was she going to do? How could she ever find someone to love her the way Ben had? She loved him, had always loved him, but could she ever trust him? The questions chased each other across the landscape of her mind. Would she ever find the peace she craved? Would that peace contain Benton Fraser or would she be alone?

Lee's Ferry arrived sooner than Phil thought possible. Saying her goodbyes, she hugged Travis. "I promise...I'll let you know what happens--good or bad. I promise, Travis. Give Carol and Josie a hug from me. I would ask you to hug Terry but I don't..." She grinned as Travis waved his hands in front of him. "That's what I thought, Travis. Okay, shake his hand for me." Holding her friend at arm's length, she confided, "Carol's a lucky woman, Travis. I wish I had taken you up on your proposal. I envy you your happiness."

"I know that, Spuds, but you don't love me. You love Ben. You have always loved him. You would have never been happy with me. He's a good man, Spuds, and he loves you. Don't let anything stand in your way. Don't let this second chance go." Travis wrapped his arms around Phil's slight body and hugged her tight.

Phil returned the hug then stepped back. "I hate goodbyes, Travis."

"I know, Spuds, so let's just say 'until next time'."

Phil smiled tremulously at Travis' choice of words. He helped her load her gear in the plane then stepped back and watched as she climbed into the cockpit of her plane. Waving to her friend, she taxied down the dirt airstrip. "Lee's Ferry traffic, Cessna Three Niner Five Echo Sierra departing runway 17 to the northwest, climbing to 8,500, Lee's Ferry."

As she winged northward, Phil smiled to herself. When she got back to Chicago she'd contact Casey. She had a few choice words to share with her friend now that she'd met Ray. Even if she had a hard time listening to her own advice, she could certainly try to help Casey and Ray find their way back to each other. She also had to face Martin and tell him that, as much as she loved him, there was still someone else in her life that she couldn't forget. It wasn't fair to him; the woman he married should love him without reservation--something she couldn't do. 

She reached for the chain about her neck only to realize that she no longer wore it. "Second chances...I like the sound of that," Phil spoke to the empty skies around her as her crooked smile stole across her face. "I love you, Benton Fraser. I hope..." her voice trailed off. Best not to have any hopes until after Ben learned about Lindy. "I hope I can learn to trust you again."

* * *

An errant shaft of sunlight spread across the bedroom awakening the man in the bed. Yawning widely, Ben smiled then reached for Phil. His hand met emptiness. Suddenly frightened, he sprang from the bed and rushed to the bathroom. "Phil?" But there was no answer. Phil was gone.

He unclenched his fist from around the object in his hand. A plain gold wedding band on a simple chain lay on his palm. Ben stumbled to the bed and collapsed on it, his heart a ragged ache. Phil was gone. Burying his face in his hands he gave into the pain that engulfed him. Phil was gone. He was alone once more. He turned to stare at the door. Outside that door he was Constable Benton Fraser and she was Dr. Philippe McKenzie. Why couldn't she stay here with him and simply be his Phil? Why did she leave him without even a goodbye? Why?

His sight shifted to the dresser finally spying the note propped against the mirror. He rose unsteadily to his feet and approached the dresser. Phil's handwriting scrawled his name across it. Fearfully, he picked it up then returned to the bed. He glanced at the ring once more, certain that the note would tell him that she never wanted to see him again. He fought the tears that burned at the back of his eyes. Steeling himself for what would surely end his hopes of reconciliation, Ben opened the note and read:

__

Ben,

This isn't goodbye. It's simply 'until next time.' I will contact you soon so we can have that talk that we need to have. I promise you I won't keep you waiting long. Keep my ring safe until then. We both know we can never go back to what we had all those years ago, but can we put that behind us and go forward? Maybe this is our second chance at love. Maybe...

Phil

His breath catching in near sobs, Ben slowly smiled. He shook out the chain and held the ring up to the light. It glinted and shone with a golden glow. Undoing the catch, he fastened it around his neck. He would wear it until he could return it to Phil. It had only ever belonged to her. Someday soon she would return to him and he would place it on her finger, claiming her for his own for the rest of their lives. He smiled in anticipation.

* * *

To be continued (?)

***Excerpted from "First Through the Grand Canyon' by Major John Wesley Powell

Copyright February 1998 by Cassandra Hope

Comments are welcome at 

baktrak@earthlink.net

 

****

Second Chances

(Book 3 of the Ben & Phil Saga)

  1. On a Collision Course--Redux
  2. Second Chances
  3. A Cop, a Mountie, and a Dory
  4. Canyon Interlude by Carol Trendall
  5. Rhyme of a Not-so-Ancient Mariner
  6. Down the Valley of the Shadow
  7. The Heart Remembers
  8. You Call This Lucky?
  9. Ghost of a Chance
  10. The Soul of a Friend
  11. 'Spuds' McKenzie
  12. A Taste of Paradise
  13. Nemesis
  14. By Day and Night
  15. Crossroads
  16. Letting Go



 

 

 

 


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